increase in my bilirubin levels??

Hi guys I figured I would do a quick update, sorry about last night I cut off the post out of no where because I couldn't think anymore. I was having a panic attack because I couldn't get a hold of my mom. She ended up coming about 5 minutes after I got off the computer though. Thank goodness! Anyways I did blood work Sunday and my family doctor called me today and told me there was an increase in my bilirubin levels, but they were not going to do anything because its normal  for that to happen sometimes. Do they not understand that I don't feel good??? It makes me pissed off!! Well I go to my thyriod doctor today, hes actually the one who ordered the test, maybe he will do something about it. The medicine I'm taking for my thyriod can cause liver problems so when he does my lab work he always checks my thyriod, and CBC, and my liver. I'm not really sure if they found the increase in my CBC or my liver panel. I guess we will see today. I'm really nervous about leaving the house though, I know when I leave it's going to be bad and on top of that I'm already going to be nervous about going to the doctor so that's just going to make it worse. God I'm scared. This sucks!! What to do what to do? I guess I will update later when I get back I need to get ready.

 

Another day in my life!

Well another day of feeling like complete crap! I'm serious this shit feels like it's never going to end! It's a fucking nightmare! I want to wake up from this god damn bad dream! I miss my old life when I was happy, jolly, and had a sense of humor. Now it's like I'm just always in a flat mood or pissed off! It just sucks. Anyways I'm getting worse day by day it feels like, I keep feeling lost. When I leave my house it's worse, like when I go somewhere that I've been to a million times I feel like I don't know how to get back home, and I think the directions in my head over and over again, I even write them down or text them to myself just to be sure I didn't forget. Yeah I didn't forget but why do I feel like I did? I'm afraid my brain is dying, I'm afraid I'm losing brain cells. I'm afraid I will go into a coma, or wait what if I'm in one and this is just a dream?So many thoughts are in my mind that it drives me nuts. I miss the me who never though just did. I was happy and jolly and was up for anything now my "fear and my weird feelings" get in the way of just about anything in my life. My realtionships with people are falling apart, nobody can stand to be around me. They tell me I'm selfish but the truth is I'm not I'm just really afraid I will feel this way forever, or something so bad is going to be wrong with me. This is a fucking nightmare. I just don't know what to think anymore, or what to do. Like I said in my last post I got put on Zoloft back towards the end of July and I still have not tried it. I'm afraid it will cause some crazy ass side effects or something, and I'm not trying to have that, but wait what if it does help me? I still have not decided what to do. I just wish my life was better.

Also the guy in Florida is turning into a jerk! I think he is like every other man known on this face of earth! He is a scum bag! He is a  liar! He told me he had 2 kids when we first started talking,which was in May, then told me he had 3 then well the other day he tells me he has 4 and he is a handicap 10 year old. Who lies about that?? I mean really, then hes been not talking to me and ignoring me. He told me that he had all these feelings for me, and stuff and now hes like not talking to me? Like really wtf? He ignores my text and my calls then tried to lie and say hes sleeping or busy really. I just can't believe anymore of his stupid ass lies! I told him off a few times and before to long I'm just going to tell him to forget about me. He is trying to get me right where he wants me and I'm not going to lie it's working!                                  

                           

Ahh so random but I'm home alone and my mom said she wouldn't be gone long well shes been going awhile and I feel like I'm going to go crazy! I can't get ahold of her! She must have left her damn phone in the car.ugggh, awesome here comes a panic attack.

Great more things to add to my list!

Well another day in my life! Still feeling like shit. Today has been really stressful. I feel 10x worse then I did yesterday. I'm tired of feeling this way. I've been feeling confused latley, and like really weird and odd, like places I've been to lots of times just feel weird to me. I don't feel like the same person, and it's scarying me. I feel like I'm going to just throw up today! I've been to the ER a few times this month all my blood test came back fine, the doctor ordered an MRI and MRA which both came back normal, I just don't get why I feel this way!

Today I'm upset because I feel horrible AGAIN! And the guy I've been with for 7 years has done nothing but treat me like shit and be abusive to me, he lived with me but my mom kicked him out about a week ago and well my mom started dating a guy, don't get me wrong I'm really really happy for her because he treats her with respect and he doesn't drink or anything like her other boyfriends did, but now shes never home, and she kicked my boyfriend out so I'm always here alone now and it sucks. I really wish I could get over feeling the way I do so I can get my license. I'm tired of having nothing going for myself. .....Oh and I met some guy off Facebook in May we have been talking on Facebook since May hes from here (Ohio), but moved to Florida. He has 3 kids, and 2 of them live with him which he sent them up to be with their mother for Summer and he came to Ohio to get them and spend time with his family for a few weeks. I was the first place he stopped! I was sooo happy to see him! He is gorgeous! Not sure though because he reminds me of my boyfriend to much, and he lives far away. He is still in Ohio but will leaving in like a week so it really sucks! ERR! Everything is just so stressful. We didn't have sex or anything, because yes I do have a boyfriend, but I really want to leave him, but for some reason I just can't let him go. He treats me bad and yells at me and when I'm around him I'm depressed because he always makes fun of me. I'm sure he doesn't help my problems I'm going through right now. I just want to feeeelll betterrrrr! :(

Suck the life out of me!

So another day of feeling like complete shit! It's miserable, and I'm losing hope in life anymore. This feeling has sucked the life out of me. I don't know what I enjoy doing anymore. My life is a blur. I just wish I could wake up one day and feel better. This is not fair. I've never done drugs, or drank in my life. So why do I have to feel like this? I'm weak, my vision gets fuzzy. I don't feel real sometimes. It makes me have anxiety, and nobody understands. I've passed out twice within 2 years, the last time was just a few months ago and since then I keep feeling faint and can't do things that I use to enjoy doing. It's hard to even go to the grocery store and I can't even go shopping so I do most of my shopping online and send my friends to the grocery store. Thank god for caring friends! I've told many doctors how I feel and they can't seem to find anything, what they do find is little things. So far I've had  different blood work done, and MRI of the brain and MRA of the brain, and EEG of the brain, and EKG of the heart, A ultra sound of the heart and arteries and what did they find? I had PVC which is a heart thing, basically it's not a big deal, they found a cyst in my sinus, they found a narrowed artery in my brain which I was told to take baby aspirin everyday to lower my risk for strokes. Other then that the test were normal. I do have Graves Disease/ Hyperthyroidism which was found a few years back and I've been taking medicine everyday for it and so far its been under control. The doctor told me that since my blood levels are normal I shouldn't been feeling bad, and that something else was going on. However, they can't seem to find anything? The doctors all say its anxiety. My boyfriend, a few friends, mother think I'm going crazy and that the dizziness, and fainting spells are basically all in my head. Which this is my body and I know how I feel! I know I have anxiety on top of this. I know it doesn't help and I wish I could get it in control. It just sucks, a few weeks ago the doctor prescribed me Zoloft but I haven't taken it, I lied to my mom and told her I was because if not she was going to kick me out of her house. The truth is I'm terrified to take the medicine. So I don't know rather it would actually help me or not. I don't know, but I'm tired of feeling this way. I don't know whats really wrong I wish I did. I do try to eat right, sleep right, and exercise right but its not working. I'm losing hope. I feel like a basket case anymore. I don't want to feel sick and tired all the time. I'm not able to enjoy life, people. There is so many things I would love to do but I can't because I feel this way. I'm so scared of life. I'm so scared of how I feel. I just wish I could fall asleep one night and wake up and everything be better. I sometimes think that will happen, but it doesn't . I even think sometimes maybe I can cry the pain all out and I will no longer hurt, be sick but that doesn't help either. It's not fair to me! I'm sick of it. I just don't know what to do. With feeling like this and also having anxiety on top of it. I'm not myself anymore I use to be such a happy person. Now I'm just like this rock that just sits on the computer all day. I have no life. I just don't know what to do anymore.......................I go to the Doctor tomorrow and I'm already scared about that because I'm afraid I will faint at the Doctors office, which if I do I guess that's the best place to do it. I'm just scared. All I want is to be better. What will it take? Well anyways I'm off to get some sleep soon. Night everyone

dfgd

If you don't chase me when I walk away, I'll keep walking.

Act your age, not your dick length. (:

You got more dick in your personality then you do in your pants

see that girl with no hair ?
she has cancer.
see that boy crying his eyes out ?
his mom is slowly dying.
see that weird kid playing with action figures ?
he has no other friends.
see that pregnant teenager ?
she was raped.
see that sketchy kid who misses school all the time ?
he's making sure his sister doesn't commit suicide.
see that fat chick ?
she has health problems.
see that girl with the messed up nose ?
she got plastic surgery,
because she felt like she was never good enough.
see that kid with all those bruises from "boxing" ?
he gets abused at home.
see that girl smiling ?
she's dying inside.
you have no idea what people go through,
so don't judge anyone.

Don't ever break for someone that wouldn't even bend for you.

Life is too short to waste you time, energy and your love on a fucking asshole.
^Truestory my ladys.

Okay, if we get caught, we need to pretend that we don't speak English!♥

If you wanna fly, You gotta give up the shit that weighs you down.